“If you think about it, we have a gulf, and we have a lake. Now all we need is an ocean.”

— President Trump, declaring Lake Ontario “Lake America” via executive order

The year is 2027. Gas costs $83 a gallon, and lettuce is at war with us. However, every location on every map is now labeled America. And everything else is named Trump. Sometimes for fun we hike from the Trump Airport to the other Trump Airport to the other Trump Airport. (The few remaining air-traffic controllers have taken up heavy smoking from all the stress and confusion.) We do not fly; it is too expensive, and the planes don’t know where they’re going.

The good news is that we are still a member of the America America America America (formerly the North Atlantic Treaty Organization). The renaming clinched it!

Maps are functionally useless. What is the deepest point in the American Ocean? Impossible to know. There are two American Oceans. America stretches from one to the other, below the Lakes America (mnemonic acronym: AAAAA). The bottom of the globe is America. The top of the globe is America too. We’ve decided to keep it round, for now.

Every lake is Lake America, and every gulf is the Gulf of America. Our battleships (Trump-class, and all named for former Confederates) are very confused all the time and have been at sea for months; the crews on them are sick and undersupplied. (We would call this a national disgrace but disgrace is now “America” too.)

Every kind of cheese is American cheese, even the kind with holes. If tariffs hadn’t made maple syrup (from our northern neighbor, America) so expensive, we would make American waffles. All actors are named America, not just Ferrara. Every kind of bulldog is an American bulldog. There are no Canada geese any more (not due to renaming, due to the Incident). We eat American muffins and Trump salad (which used to be Caesar). Sometimes for breakfast we eat an American! (Formerly a Danish. We hope.) We go to American baths. (There is no water in them due to the evaporation of Lake America. No, not that Lake America. The other Lake America.)

American kids don’t get measles any longer. They get America!

All penguins are now named Donald Trump by law, except the small, disgraceful ones.

Every band is America, except for Kid Rock, who received a special exception.

Texas toast is still allowed, but Georgia peaches are on thin ice, contingent on electoral outcomes.

Inflation? Don’t ask! We have no idea! Numbers are now the word America printed in a tiny font! This makes inflation less noticeable, because no words have any meaning or value anymore! If someone had a particle of backbone, we could at least have legible maps! I’m sorry: if someone had a particle of Trump (we are renaming the body parts too).

American students are now the best at geography because there is only one possible answer to every question. They are also constantly lost. But that’s only in the real world, which is no longer relevant. On the map, everything is America (fine)!

Sometimes we want to just go jump into Lake America to get away from it all. No, not that one. The other one.