What job in our world is less lucrative than being a parent? A Hollywood internship? Volunteering at a soup kitchen? Professional writer? Parenting is the only job you have to pay money to do. Lots of money. Lodging, clothes, food, school, Pokémon cards – it really adds up. And it’s getting worse. According to the tech industry, I have to strap my drooling offspring to a computer in order to ensure the baby’s survival.

Parents are being offered life-altering advancements in artificial intelligence that purport to make this taxing endeavor a tiny bit easier. OpenAI is suggesting its latest products can make child-rearing more efficient: its boss, Sam Altman, suggests generating a podcast about your kid’s life that you can listen to in the morning on the way to school. How entertaining would a podcast “that talks about one kid’s soccer game that afternoon, one kid’s upcoming birthday, some news, etc” actually be? “Jimmy needs to work on his dribbling.” Great. I think he knows already. He’s not going to be the next Messi, so how about we switch back to music?

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