If only the GOP midterm convention succeeds in its aim of electing Donald Trump president, things will get a lot better in this country. Isn’t he already president? Hush! At the Unprecedented (But Very President-ed) Republican Midterm Convention, we reject such trivial objections! “I know many of you are still struggling thanks to Joe Biden and the Democrats,” said Richard Hudson, the National Republican Committee chair.

You have your orders: Imagine that Donald Trump is on the ballot, because if he were, the economy would get a lot better than it is under whoever is president right now—I have to assume Biden? But possibly, based on sheer volume of mentions, Abdul El-Sayed? Whoever it is, the guy is doing just terribly.

Donald Trump has fixed everything, but also, we need him to fix everything. He is the greatest president in our lifetime, if we can ever manage to elect him.  

Also, everything is on the verge of being taken from us by Democrats. Sorry, not Democrats. Communists! “Communism is on the march, and it’s up to us to stop it in its tracks!” announced Donald Trump Jr. (whom the C-SPAN chyron demurely introduces as a 1789 Capital partner). Communists, he said, are “triggered at the sight of an American flag” and want to turn our cities into a “dystopian hellscape.”

“Democrats are advocates for evil,” warned the pastor introducing the second day of festivities.

Senator Ted Cruz denounced the “red-green alliance” of “Communists and Islamists”: “They hate Christians, they hate Jews, they hate capitalism, they hate the Constitution, and they hate America.” Things remained at this feverish pitch of Two Minutes’ Hate (sadly not limited to two minutes) for most of the convention. There were hearty scoops of anti-immigrant sentiment, Islamophobia (most speakers tackled El-Sayed’s name as though even attempting to pronounce it aloud was an unreasonable demand), and fearmongering about “TRANSGENDER FOR EVERYONE!” (as the president put it). It’s wonderful that things are going so well that we can take a step back and focus on what really matters: making this country a worse place for people to live in.

J. D. Vance stepped onstage on the second night and complained that “we were tired of being called racists for noticing that our country was becoming dirtier and poorer and less safe and less prosperous.” Can’t imagine why anyone would suggest that there were racist implications in a statement like that! He had some equally un-grotesque remarks to offer about James Talarico’s support for trans kids (“I never want to see that guy’s web-browser history”). Vance—more and more lifelike every day—got the warmest welcome he could possibly have wanted, often pausing his speech to bask in the applause, and even attempting to tell the women behind him that they looked good (“If you’re ever feeling down about our country,” he said, “just take a look at the beautiful ladies right behind me”) and to say that if they were having beverages, he wanted some too.

Some people even chanted “48!,” which left him starry-eyed. (“I got to say, it’s pretty cool to hear a crowd that’s this fired up chant your name.”) Said fired-up crowd was a sore subject that the president harped on in both of his speeches, urging people not to go to the bathroom lest someone snap a photo of their empty seat and draw incorrect conclusions.

After Vance’s speech, the night took an even more surreal turn. Trump returned to the stage and promised that he would not repeat the speech from the previous night. Then he began to repeat the speech from the previous night. As the desiccated corpse of the previous speech came shambling back to finish its unfinished business, I began to worry that we were all trapped in some kind of time loop. How to break it? Vote Trump? More tenor? Whatever beverage the beautiful women were having?

“It was bad, but now it’s good. And it’s going to soon be greater than ever before.” (This is what I, too, would say if I were trying to remember the general gist of the president’s Wednesday-night remarks but had no access to a teleprompter.) For a second night in a row, the president warned about the “mutilization” of children. He also repeated his promise of a $5,000 “let’s call it Trump dividend” for all Americans if they vote Republican majorities into both houses of Congress. (Is this legal?) This money would be for adults, Trump clarified: “We love our adults. It’s time we take care of our adults.” Yes! Those freeloading, nonvoting children have rested their tiny booties on our necks too long.

Then he forced everyone to listen to his “presidential tenor,” Chris Macchio, sing “Nessun dorma” as balloons fell. Also “All I Ask of You” from The Phantom of the Opera. No, I am not making this up. It’s 2026. No one makes anything up anymore, except the AI you are asking for urgent medical advice.

At one point during this ramble, after making everyone raise one hand and swear to bring their family to the polls (and cheat, if necessary), the president told everyone that if they did not vote, they would go to hell.

Sir, look around! We are already there.